Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.