My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Birds & Planes.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Bond. Trauma bond.