5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
yall want some gasoline milk
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.