[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car