Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.