Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second