independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.