HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
lmfao
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?