if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away