If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Haha! 😂
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.