“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
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Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?