Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My life in a nutshell
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
This took me a second..
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.