A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.