I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”