I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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Breaking news:
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.