There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Wikigenius
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”