My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
is this a threat
How all things should be taught/explained.
fixed it
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?