Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.