Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
no their not
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.