One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*