Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.