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[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide