Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.