CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator