I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
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Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
This took me a second..
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.