If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
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She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it