So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.