Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son