boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.