CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.