[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
relationship goals
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*