When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*