There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
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It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me when my alarm goes off
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.