Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.