For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.