Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Home #decor warning.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”