Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
What the hell happened in there??
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.