The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Passed by a old school Math example today.