I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.