Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.