Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
You Might Also Like
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Story of my life…..
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
And that about sums it up.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous