[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
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onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.