my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Anyone really
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.