If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
You Might Also Like
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range