My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
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In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]