Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.