STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
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Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.