Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
You Might Also Like
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what