Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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This could’ve been an email.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.