Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer